


I Lost My Love to the Stars - - - an Adashi/Shadam fanfic

by fangirlgonebad



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Break Up, Broken Engagement, Canon Gay Relationship, Crying, Depressing, Engagement, Fanfiction, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Gay Disaster Shiro (Voltron), Gay Panic, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kerberos Mission, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Kerberos Mission, Pre-Kerberos Mission, Sad, Sad Ending, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-15
Packaged: 2019-09-19 15:58:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17004678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fangirlgonebad/pseuds/fangirlgonebad
Summary: Just a series of short snippets of Adam and Shiro's relationship from Adam's pov.Adam and Shiro's relationship starts to go downhill when Shiro is offered a chance to go out into space on the Kerberos Mission. Adam desperately wants Shiro to stay, for the sake of their relationship and Shiro's health...But Shiro has his heart set on leaving.





	1. The Engagement

I got down on one knee. My hands were shaking and my face felt hot, but I figured it couldn’t have possibly been more red than Shiro’s. He was covering his tomato of a face, and he looked just as nervous as I felt. But his smile still brightened the room. Shakily, I spoke, 

“Ta-Takashi, I know we always laughed at those cliche proposals, but,” I fumbled for the ring box in my coat pocket. “I-we’ve been through so much together, and I,” I paused to push my glasses back in place, they were slipping from all my sweat. “I can’t imagine leaving your ass alone,” Shiro laughed, looking down and shaking his head. “So, what'd ya say? Will you marry me?” 

In an instant Shiro was on the ground kneeling in front of me. His clammy hands grabbed mine, and he pushed his nose against my glasses so they would be crooked. Laughing, he nodded. 

“Yes,” his shaky voice made me laugh. 

“Yes? Are you sure?” I joked. 

“Yes.” He said firmly, squeezing my hands harder. 

“Okay, but just warning you, there’s no getting rid of me now-” Shiro pushed me to the ground and started kissing me. After a few seconds I broke away, laughing. “That is no way to treat your fiance!” I playfully scolded. Shiro rolled his eyes. 

“Oh fuck off, Adam,”

“That’s fiance Adam to you,”


	2. The Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam finds out about Shiro's decision to go on the Kerberos Mission. Adam lashes out at Shiro, both begging him to stay and criticizing him for wanting to go.

“I- you’re going aren’t you?” I let out a dry laugh. Of course he was. Everything else he’s accomplished still wasn’t enough. 

 

“Adam, please just try to understand-“ I shot up, slamming my bag down. 

 

“No Shiro! You try to understand!” He barely flinched at my sudden movements, only clenching his jaw in reaction. Somehow that made me angrier. “This isn’t the first time you’ve left for some stupid fucking mission! Were those others not enough for you?! Was being labeled the best pilot at the Garrison not enough for you?! Was the endless praise and respect not enough for you?! And what about me?!? Was I not enough for you?! Am I not enough for you-“ Suddenly Shiro stood up. 

 

“That’s not fair and you know it Adam.” His voice was steady and low, nothing like my own. 

 

“Do you really want to talk about fair right now?” My voice sounded cold and harsh, I almost didn’t recognize it, it scared me. But I couldn’t help it. I was mad. Shiro was leaving, again. “Takashi, we were engaged for fucks sake! Doesn’t that, doesn’t that mean anything to you?!” He stepped forward. 

 

“Are you kidding me-“ 

 

“Well fuck Shiro! Does it look like I’m kidding?!”

 

“Of course it means something to me!!” My hard stare falters at the sound of his voice being raised for the first time this entire fight. “What the hell Adam?! You don’t think this hurts me as much as it hurts you-“ 

 

“Then why the fuck are you still leaving?!” Shiro ran his hand through his hair in frustration. 

 

“God, Adam, you don’t understand-“ 

 

“You’re right. I don’t.” I crossed my arms and glared at him. I never thought I could be so mad at him. Who was he to leave, and then act like the victim. I watched as Shiro sat back down on the couch, pinching the bridge of his nose. 

“I have to do this,” I shook my head even though he wasn’t looking at me. 

“No, you don’t Shiro, no one is making you-” He lifted his head and shot me a tired glance. 

“Adam. I don’t have all the time in the world. I’ve wanted to do something like this my entire life, you know that. You know how hard I’ve worked for an opportunity like this! And you should know that I can’t refuse this!” I was itching to shoot back my argument, but Shiro was talking too fast and too loud. “It’s not like I can wait around for the next mission! I-” his voice suddenly dropped to a quieter volume. “I only have a couple of years, I-I need to make the most of it,” 

“God, Shiro, do you hear yourself?” I felt the sting of hot, angry tears in my eyes. “You-your case isn’t hopeless yet! I-there are new medicines and treatments being discovered every goddamn day!” I was pacing now. I didn’t want Shiro to see the tears in my eyes. “But, but what fucking good are those gonna do you if your in space?! You can still help out here on Earth!” 

“Yeah but-”

“No! Get your head out of the fucking stars, Shiro! You’re already helping so many people by being here! Someone else can go on the damn Kerberos Mission!” I stopped pacing for a second. Just to look him dead in the eyes. I didn’t care if he could see the tears now. “What if you die out there? Huh, Takashi? What happens then? What good are you gonna do for the mission if you’re dead? The only thing you’ll accomplish is hurting people. Don’t you, don’t you get that?” A look crossed Shiro’s face. But it soon turned hard again, and he turned away. 

“I have to do this.” His voice was steady again. No, not just steady, sure. I bit the inside of my cheek, turning away myself. For a few seconds everything seemed still. Everything but the harsh thumping in my chest. 

“Fine,” I picked up the coat from his Garrison uniform. “Then get the fuck out of here,” I threw it at him. He looked down at the coat in his hands, and his face seemed to soften. 

“Adam-” I cut him off, I could feel nothing but the anger coursing through my veins. 

“You said you wanted to leave. So leave.” I still wasn’t facing him. But a minute later I heard him stand up and walk over to the door. I heard the sound of the doorknob turning, and the door opening. But I wasn’t done. I couldn’t help it, the words just fell out, “Just know, if you leave, I’m not gonna be here when you get back.” 

I didn’t move again until minutes after the door had closed.


	3. The Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day the Kerberos Crew takes off. Adam, who's been avoiding Shiro out of anger and hurt realizes he can't live without Shiro in his life.

I clenched my fists, I could feel my fingernails piercing the skin on my palm. But the sting was barely noticeable next to the feeling of knowing the Shiro was leaving. 

No. I thought. I could still get him to stay. I know I could. If I just found the right words, or did the right thing, then he’ll stay. He has to stay. 

I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t. I don’t know what I’ll do if he leaves and never comes back. I shot up from my seat. The chair I was sitting in crashed to the floor, earning shocked and annoyed glares from the others sitting around me. But I didn’t care. I didn’t even stop to fix it. 

I just ran. I ran towards my car. I barely remember driving. I barely remember pushing past the security guards and workers. I barely remember calling out Shiro’s name. 

But I do remember him turning his head. I remember the concerned, pained look that crossed his face when he saw me. 

“Adam, you should go,” he said gently. Guards were already running over to me, grabbing at me. I shoved them off. When they tried to reach for me again, Shiro put his hand up, signalling to wait. They backed off. “Adam, please,” he started to turn away. “Please just go,” I grabbed his arm as he was walking away. He hesitantly turned to me. 

 

“Stay,” tears were already forming in both of our eyes. “Takashi, god, if you love me then stay,” He wouldn’t look me in the eye. “Please,” His gaze was trained on the tear that traveled down my cheek. He grabbed my face, and slowly, gently, took his thumb and brushed the tear away. Shiro leaned his forehead against mine, his eyes were shut, but one tear still managed to escape. 

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. My tears came down harder, but I stayed silent. There was nothing more I could do. He wanted to go. I shut my eyes, trying to focus only on the feeling of his hands on my face and in my hair. The feeling of his forehead pressed into mine. The feeling of his warm Garrison uniform gripped tightly in my hands. The feeling of his uneven breath on my lips.   
I felt him pull away. Just before I opened my eyes, I felt his nose nudge my glasses, making them crooked. My chest tightened. My hands dropped from his back, and I pulled away from his embrace. 

 

“Bye, Takashi.” Before he could say anything else, or before I could try to stop him again, I started walking away, practically running. 

 

As soon as I got to my car I threw off my glasses, and put my head in my hands. Sobs racked through my body. It was happening all over again. Only this time it was worse. If you leave, I’m not gonna be here when you get back. The words rang through my head. My finger burned where my engagement ring used to be. My face burned. My hands burned. Everywhere he ever touched me burned. But my heart, my heart was the worse. It ached. It was breaking. It was breaking, and desperately trying to mend itself. Only it couldn’t. Because the only one that could mend my heart, was the person who broke it.


	4. The News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while since Shiro left for the Kerberos mission, and Adam is starting to make progress in living without him. That is, until Adam hears the news. The Kerberos mission failed.

Adam hated mornings. He used to be a morning person, but these days all he wanted to do was sleep in. Reluctantly he got up and reached for his phone, which was annoyingly buzzing due to his 6:05 am alarm. 

He stumbled over to his kitchen, clumsily trying put on his glasses as he walked. He was practically blind without them, but he didn’t need his sight to find the coffeemaker. Without having to think much, he started making coffee. His body moving without the help of his brain. As the machine started to make the magical brown morning potion, Adam slumped onto one of the stools at his kitchen counter. He rested his head on one of his hands. He imagined that if Shiro were here, he’d say something stupid and motherly, like, 

“Get your elbows off the table!” Adam smiled sleepily at the thought, before shooting up. Damnit. He did it again. Adam groaned and tugged at his hair, leaving himself a bit more awake than before. The sharper his mind was the better. It was safer. It kept him from letting his mind wander. Specifically towards Shiro. Adam slid his hand under his glasses and rubbed his eyes. He needed to wake up. After blinking an unnecessary amount of times, slapping himself, and glancing over at his coffee, Adam found himself fully awake. As he was sitting there by the counter, his eyes landed on the tv remote. It was perfect. Tv was a great distraction. He grabbed the remote, pointed it at the tv, and pressed the “on” button. The screen immediately lit up and started playing the news. 

Adam never really watched the news. He found it boring, and quite frankly depressing. But he didn’t change the channel. He just let it play in the background as he went on to get ready for the day. 

He moved around his apartment, making a crappy lunch, looking for the reports that were due, and all around stalling on actually taking a shower and getting dressed. As Adam sat back at the counter, spreading cream cheese on an everything bagel, he caught the news anchor say something that sounded like “Kerberos” Adam froze for a second. No, that couldn’t have been what she said. Adam tried to reassure himself, and went back to preparing his bagel. His hand was shaking a little bit. He was not off to a good start this morning. I really need to stop thinking about- his thoughts were interrupted by the news anchor’s voice again. 

“The Garrison says, and I quote, ‘We regret to inform everyone that the Kerberos Mission has failed,” Adam shot up. He immediately forget everything else he was currently doing and grabbed the remote. He hastily turned up the volume and walked over to the living room to get a closer view of the tv screen. His heart was pounding in his chest. His palms were sweaty. He couldn’t think straight. On the screen, pictures of Samuel and Matt Holt popped up. Adam tensed, where was he? After a few long seconds, their picture was replaced by his. By Shiro’s. By Takashi’s. His Takashi. 

Adam sucked in a small breathe. His ears were ringing, but he forced himself to listen to the somewhat fake somber voice of the news anchor. “Unfortunately, all members of this mission are nowhere to be heard from, and are presumed dead.” 

Adam could no longer feel his heartbeat. The floor seemed to sway under his feet. He hardly noticed when his legs gave out and he plopped down onto the couch. All members...nowhere…presumed dead. Words swirled around his head. He couldn’t seem to process them. Nothing seemed real. 

Dazed, Adam looked back up at the screen. Iverson was there with a couple others from the Garrison, they were on a stage, answering questions, and explaining what had happened. What had happened? Adam still wasn’t sure. 

None of this could actually be his reality. He was dreaming. Having a nightmare. That’s all. Adam couldn’t accept this, he refused to accept this. It made him sick. Adam looked down at his hands, around his apartment, he didn’t understand anything that was currently happening. 

“We have reason to believe that this tragedy occurred due to pilot error,” confused, Adam looked back up at the tv. Pilot error. Pilot error. What does that mean- The realization hit Adam like a bus. Shiro. It was Shiro. Something happened. Pain, confusion, and dread banged on his head. He couldn’t hear the coffeemaker going off. Or his alarm. Or even the tv for that matter. 

He was trapped in himself. He was trapped in dread. Something happened out there. Something happened to Shiro. Something went wrong out there. Pilot error. The words burned his mind. Pilot error. Shiro made a mistake out there. Pilot error. It was because of his sickness. Pilot error. Or he wasn’t thinking straight. Pilot error. He was distracted by something. Pilot error. He was distracted by me. 

Adam’s phone started ringing. But he couldn’t hear it. Even if he could, he wouldn’t be able to get it. He couldn’t move. This was his fault, wasn’t it? Shiro got distracted thinking of him? Didn’t he? It was his fault that Shiro died. Shiro died. Takashi was dead. The realizations struck him one by one, each as, if not more, painful than a gunshot wound. Everything hurt, but at the same time, Adam couldn’t feel anything. 

His mind was racing, but it couldn’t seem to land on a single coherent thought. Oh god. What did he say to Shiro before he left? 

Bye, Shiro. 

Was I not enough for you?

If you love me, then stay. 

This isn’t the first time you’ve left for some stupid fucking mission! 

Get the fuck out of here! 

Just know, if you leave, I’m not gonna be here when you get back. 

His own voice echoed in his head. The arguments were loud and clear, as if they were happening right now, in the apartment. Adam wanted to scream at his past self. Stop! What’re you doing?! Why are you yelling at him?! Why are you so mad?!   
Regret pounded in time with his heartbeat. He felt it coursing through his veins just as he had once felt anger coursing through them. His body ached. Why did he fight with Shiro? Why couldn’t he just soak up whatever time he had left with him? No. Adam clenched and unclenched his fists. Why didn’t he try harder to stop him? Why didn’t he do a better job of convincing Shiro to stay?

He shouldn’t have called off the engagement. He shouldn’t have. Why did he do that? Adam’s nails were digging into his skin, piercing his hand, reopening wounds that had just recently mended themselves. Maybe if he hadn’t put off the engagement, maybe then Shiro would’ve stayed. Maybe if Shiro had known he had something to come back to, maybe he wouldn’t have gotten himself killed out there. This was all his fault. Adam knew it. The guilt pressed down on his shoulders almost as hard as the grief squeezed his heart.

Shiro was gone. Takashi was gone, and it was all because of him. Adam stole Shiro’s future right from under his feet. Hell, he had stolen his own future. Shiro was never coming back, and neither was Adam’s life. Shiro was physically dead, but Adam might just as well have been. His entire future was Shiro. 

Adam had called off the engagement, but he never meant it. Deep down, Adam knew that the second Shiro came back he’d fix things. He didn’t want himself to, but he knew that’s what would’ve happened. 

His heart pounded. 

He would’ve forgiven Shiro, right? 

Adam found himself wondering in a panic. What if today was just a regular day? What if Adam had just gone to work as usual? What if Adam spent his free time trying to forget about Shiro, as usual? What if Shiro came back years later, safe? Would Adam rush into Shiro’s arms? Would Adam take back everything he said to Shiro before? Would he forget all the pain Shiro had left him in? Would he put the engagement back into action? Would he love Shiro?

Adam wanted to scream yes to all of those questions. Of course he would! He loved Takashi no matter what.

But a small voice inside him whispered, 

“Then why did you break up with him in the first place?” Adam was shaking. He couldn’t breathe. He imagined that himself screaming, yelling at the voice. 

“Because it hurt to much to see him leave me! I couldn’t let him let me go!” The voice whispered back. 

“So you let him go,” Adam found himself nodding helplessly. Tears he didn’t realize had formed, splashed onto his clenched fists. 

“I was scared. I thought, I thought if something happened to him out there, it might hurt less if we weren’t together anymore,” The voice chuckled cruelly. 

“And look how that went,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I changed the writing style at the last chapter, I honestly don't know why I did that. *shrugs* 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading this super short fic! It means a lot and I hope you enjoyed it!


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